Tiny Flying Dinosaurs

“ On top of all this, Henry [Hugh III] duke of Burgundy, prompted by a spirit of worthless arrogance of perhaps led on by the most unbecoming malicious envy, composed the words of a song to be sung in public. Such shameful words should never have been made public if its composers had retained any sense of propriety, for they were revealed not so much as men but men beyond raping women [editor’s note: ‘unclear passage; this makes best sense but assumes the Latin is corrupt.’].
Those who applied their efforts to such shocking and silly activities certainly made themselves conspicuous and revaled the hidden inentions of their hearts, for streams must be like their spring, cloudy or clear. This invidious composition was sung all through the army. The king was extremely annoyed about it, and thought that he should punish them by paying them back in their own coin. So he also sang something about them, and it was little trouble to compose because there was plenty of material at hand. So what if he responded to so many fictions and taunts with some truths? The reputation of King Richard’s exceptional exploits remained undoubted; but since his rivals despaired of equalling his valour, they attacked it freely with all the hatred they could.

—

The Itinerarium Peregrinorum on the relationship between the French and English contingents of crusaders towards the end of the Third Crusade.

Richard I seems to have taken this in pretty good humour and given as good as he got, but man, there is pretty much no word to describe how the author of the Itinerarium felt about it but “butthurt”.

History

Itinerarium Peregrinorum

Medieval History

Crusades

Linky -

“ In each locality there are some good men, but there are fewer by far in all of them put together than in one city, Winchester. That city is in those parts the Jerusalem of the Jews; in that city alone do they enjoy perpetual peace. That city is a school for those who want to live and fare well. There they breed men; there you can have plenty of bread and wine for nothing. Monks are there of such mercifulness and gentleness, clerks of such wisdom and frankness, citizens of such courteousness and good faith, women of such beauty and modesty, that for a little I would go there myself and be a Christian among such Christians. I send you to that city, the city of cities, the mother of all and better than all others. There is one vice there and one alone, which is by custom greatly indulged in. I would say, with all due respect to the learned men and to the Jews, that the people of Winchester lie like sentries. Indeed, nowhere else under heaven are so many false rumours made up so easily as there; otherwise they are truthful in all things.

—

Richard of Devizes

Yeah, so, guess which town Richard’s monastery was in.
He kind of cops out at the end there by saying everyone in Winchester is a liar, all but explaining the joke, but I still like the description of the town.

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“ Rochester and Cichester are mere hamlets, and there is no reason why they should be called cities, except for the bishops’ seats. Oxford scarcely sustains, much less satisfies, her own men. Exeter refreshes both men and beasts with the same provender. Bath, placed or, rather, dumped down in the midst of the valleys, is at the gates of hell. Neither should you choose a seat in the Marches, Worcester, Chester or Hereford, because of the Welsh, who are prodigal of the lives of others. York is full of Scotsmen, filthy and treacherous creatures scarcely men. The region of Ely stinks perpetually from the surrounding fens. In Durham, Norwich, and Lincoln there are very few people of your sort amongst the powerful and you will hear almost no-one speaking French.

—

The Chronicle of Richard of Devizes

So, this is where he really gets going. I particularly like the bit about almost no-one speaking French in Durham, Norwich and Lincoln being surprising. Yeah, take that, modern English nationalists!

But there’s a lot of interesting historical detail about what places in England were like at the time in between the insults.

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“ When you reach England, if you come to London, pass through it quickly, for I do not at all like that city. All sorts of men crowd together there from every country under the heavens. Each race brings its own vices and its own customs to the city. No-one lives in it without falling into some sort of crime. Every quarter of it abounds in grave obscenities. The greater a rascal a man is, the better a man he is accounted… Behold, I prophesy you: whatever evil or malicious thing that can be found in any part of the world, you will find in that one city. Do not associate with the crowds of pimps; do not mingle with the throngs in eating-houses; avoid dice and gambling, the theatre and the tavern. You will meet with more braggarts there than in all France; the number of parasites is infinite. Actors, jesters, smooth-skinned lads, Moors, flatterers, pretty boys, effeminates, pederasts, singing and dancing girls, quacks, belly-dancers, sorceresses, extortioners, night-wanderers, magicians, mimes, beggars, buffoons: all this tribe fill all the houses.

—

London, everybody.

The Chronicle of Richard of Devizes is an unusual one, in that it seems to have been written more for a friend than for a monastery or a wealthy patron, and so it has a few odd passages that seem to be just jokes for his friend. It has this long section where he puts words in the mouth of an old Jewish man telling a French boy what to expect when he travels to England. He uses this to slag off all the major English cities in the 1190s, except for the one his monastery is in, starting with London.

Linky -

“ The emperor, however, was extremely indignant at this command. As if the greatest injury had been inflicted on him, he burst out into abusive words. ‘Phooey, my lord,’ he said derisively to the king’s messengers, the king of England was nothing to him!

— Ok so this is really more amusing because of how the translator chose to interpret whatever was in the original Latin, but still.

Itinerarium Peregrinorum

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